This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
