My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
