Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
