Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
