i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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