is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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