Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
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