I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
it glows. i had to have it.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
