his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
