i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
