I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
