Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
