I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Soap is not a condiment
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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