Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
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