hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
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