I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
