I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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