you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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