so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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