hotel room ftw
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
