you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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