Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Less talking, more tequila
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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