He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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