just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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