i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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