In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
