We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
