Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
