I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
