he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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