every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
