How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
