Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
