yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
