I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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