i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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