How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
