I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
