Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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