I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
