We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
