I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
