At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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