I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
