I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
