She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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