Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
