you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
