I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
