I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
50% drunk capacity currently
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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