i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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