I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
