The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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