If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
ugly people sure do ruin things
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
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