Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I didn't shave. On purpose
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
