I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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