I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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