I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
