He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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